In the last post, we talked about what self-abandonment is and how it starts. We’ve identified the first step towards breaking this habit, which is to start turning our attention inward and to address the ingrained habit we have to constantly be focused outward. In this post, we’ll talk about some other steps we can take to stop abandoning the self and to be more self-connected.
First, let’s look back at the examples of self-abandonment from the last post and see what a healthier response might look like for each one.
- Someone did or said something that hurt your feelings. Instead of sweeping your feelings under the rug, you take the time to think about why you are feeling hurt and the best way to express yourself. You ask to talk to the person so you can explain how you are feeling. You are not sure how they will react or if they will even care, but you are not doing this for the other person. You are doing it for yourself because you know that your feelings matter.
- Your friend asked to come over on a Friday night because he/she is fighting with their spouse. You had a long week and instead of pushing past your exhaustion, you kindly let your friend know that you need to get some rest. You offer to meet up with your friend the next day to talk about what’s going on. You want to be there for your friend but you know it’s important to take care of your own needs too.
- In a work meeting, a problem is presented that needs to be fixed. You already have a lot on your plate, so you pause and think if this is something you have the capacity to take on. Your boss wants to put together a team to work on this issue. A couple of people volunteer to help out. You explain that you don’t have the capacity to join this team right now but you’re happy to help out with future projects when you have less responsibilities. You feel a little guilty for saying this but you’d rather set limits than burn yourself out.
In these examples, the focus of each person is on themselves first before considering others. There is a turning inward and checking in with the self prior to making any decisions. If you don’t tap into your internal experience and really stay with yourself, you are going to be more prone to abandoning yourself. There are so many external factors that will pull you into all different directions if you let them. So how do you stop self-abandoning and find your inner compass?
In order to change any pattern, you have to first be aware of it. Start keeping track of moments when you self-abandon, like saying yes all the time, ignoring your feelings, silencing yourself, pushing past your limits, etc. As you become more aware, you might see a pattern where you self-abandon more in certain situations or with certain people. Then start thinking about what action you would rather take that is more in alignment with your authentic self. What would you have to do or say in these scenarios to keep yourself and your needs in the forefront? Start practicing and preparing for moments where you can stay connected and present with yourself instead of abandoning yourself.
Through this process, you will have to get in touch with your feelings and start identifying when you are bypassing your feelings or pushing them down. You can typically feel this in your body if you pay close enough attention to your physical sensations. Learn to pause before responding or making a decision. Check in with yourself and ask yourself how you are feeling and what you need at that moment. Learn to stay present even with difficult emotions. If you are feeling overwhelmed, you may have to give yourself more time to sift through your feelings. Don’t feel rushed to do anything until you have the clarity you need.
It is important to set and enforce boundaries with others. They need to know what’s important to you, what your limits are, and what you will and will not tolerate. You also need to set and enforce boundaries with yourself. You need to be clear on what makes you feel good inside and ensure that you are taking care of yourself. Having a solid self-care routine will help you meet your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs. In addition to prioritizing self-care, make sure you follow through with the commitments that you make with yourself. If you decide to start going to the gym, modify your diet, start doing yoga, limit screen time, or implement other changes in your life- make sure you stick with them. Make them a part of your schedule and honor them. Know that they are just as, if not more important, than the work and personal responsibilities on your calendar.
These recommendations to stop self-abandonment may seem pretty straightforward and clear. But in practice they are not so easy to implement. If you have been self-abandoning for many years, it is likely going to feel strange when you try to stop. It might not feel natural to put yourself first, set boundaries, express your feelings, say no, or do the things you need to do to feel good about yourself. Don’t be surprised if you feel unsure, or guilty, or uncomfortable through the process. Those feelings don’t mean you are doing something wrong, they just mean you are doing something that doesn’t feel familiar. With practice, your efforts to prioritize yourself will come more easily.
Be patient and compassionate with yourself. You won’t get it right every time and mistakes are just opportunities to learn and fine tune the process. Just keep moving in the direction you want to go and be sure that you are not leaving yourself behind. If you are putting yourself first and prioritizing your needs most of the time, you are on the right track.
Every time you make a choice in service of yourself over others, you lay down a brick of self-esteem. Every time you let your inner self be your guide, you lay down a brick of self-worth. Every time you speak up for yourself rather than silence yourself, you lay down a brick of self-confidence. Every time you set a boundary or walk away from something that doesn’t serve you, you lay down a brick of self-respect. Brick by brick, you are taking the steps to build a solid foundation of self-love. Self-love never comes by focusing on external things. It is, and always will be, an internal job. If you are in tune with your inner self, it is much easier to be there for yourself and give yourself the love you need. Self-love can either be elusive or ubiquitous, it all depends on the direction in which you are looking.