On Love- Dating and Celibacy

Dating has never been easy for me.  To be honest I’ve never done much dating in the true sense of the word.  I’ve always just kind of fallen into relationships, whether casual or serious ones.  I have gone on a handful of dates in my time. And I’ve probably been stood up on as many dates as I’ve actually gone on.  I’m sure I’ve already mentioned that my relationship history has been wrought with challenges and pain. Dating hasn’t been much different for me, certainly there’ve been more negative experiences than positive ones. 

Dating is especially hard for someone like me- someone who doesn’t do well with the “unknown” and struggles with having a lack of control.  When you’re dating, there’s no commitment and there’s no indication of where a blossoming connection may or may not go.  In the past, this in-between state has caused me so much anxiety and distress that I’d get ahead of myself and want to jump straight into a relationship.  Jump straight to the part where there’s some answers, some security, some comfort knowing a commitment has been made.  Of course, even in a committed relationship, there’s no guarantee that it’ll last.  There’s always some degree of risk.  But it always gave me some peace when I was in a relationship that was defined and labeled, and I knew that if that relationship was going to change, there’d be a conversation, a discussion, some indication before it ended completely. 

When you’re dating, you just never know when a person might lose interest.  When they might meet someone else who grabs their attention more than you.  When you’re dating, people can just disappear at the drop of a hat, and you basically expect it to happen from time to time.  After all, not everyone you date can be “the one” or will be relationship material.  It’s so common for people to drop off the face of the earth when you’re dating that we have several names for it, depending on their approach:  ghosting, benching, curving and many more.  I’ve never been one for games- I can be honest sometimes to a fault- so playing the dating game is difficult for me.  But it’s something God put on my heart recently to do, specifically to start online dating. 

So, after a 5 year period of being single, of focusing on my personal and spiritual growth, developing a stronger relationship with Christ, and dealing with some issues in my life, I am taking this step of faith to date, be obedient to God and see where it leads.  I know it is a necessary step to get to where I want to be: married with a family, if it be God’s will.  But if dating was hard for me in the past, it’s even harder for me now, because I am dating celibate and sober for the first time in my life.  I’ve never done it before, and I find myself having to navigate this new territory as I go.  It’s brought up some questions for me- what are my boundaries and limits?  I know this time around, I am 100% committed to waiting until marriage to have sex.  That is a non-negotiable for me.  But how far is too far when it comes to kissing, affection, and other physical intimacy? 

I do think there is a line between being affectionate and being sexual, and it’s a line that I don’t want to cross.  I am sensitive to this line for many reasons.  For one, I want to live my life in a way that is pleasing to God.  I want to be obedient to His command to be pure and wait until marriage.  I have fallen short in the past, and I want to get it right this time.  But for me, it goes deeper than this.  There is a line that I don’t want to cross, because I have been taken advantage of by men too many times before. I have been treated poorly, disrespected, pushed to do things I’m not comfortable with, pushed myself to do things before I’m ready and all kinds of nonsense.  All of this just to hold on to a connection with someone, or in a futile attempt to replace emotional intimacy with physical intimacy.  I was lost then, I didn’t know my value or my worth, and I had forgotten my identity in Christ. 

But God is faithful and He opened my eyes.  He gave me His vision and showed me that there is a better way.  He reminded me that I am a daughter of a King and that I deserve much, much more.  Five years ago, I made the decision to be celibate and to wait for the man God has for me.  To wait until marriage to even think about having sex again.  Honestly, it’s not so hard to be celibate when you’re single and just focused on yourself.  But now that I’m dating again, now that I’m putting myself out there, looking for love and marriage, it’s a little more tricky.  Not in the sense that I’m second guessing my decision to be celibate, because I’m not.  Now that I am dating, I am more sure than ever that celibacy is the absolute right choice for me.  But it’s tricky in knowing how to proceed with another human being, who has his own ideas and expectations around kissing, sex and everything in between.  

It can be hard to find someone who is on the same page as you.  Even when someone says they want to wait until marriage, do they have the same limits and boundaries as you?  Are they just saying what you want to hear and hoping you’ll cave at some point?  Is purity truly a conviction they have and are they willing to do whatever is necessary to protect their purity as well as yours?  These are just some questions I have been asking myself as I navigate this new terrain.  I certainly don’t have a road map for this, but I continually pray and pay attention to the nudgings of the Holy Spirit.  I am learning that it’s okay to ask for what I need and don’t need.  To say what I want and don’t want.  To set and enforce my limits and boundaries.  It is okay for me to date the way I need to date.  It is okay for me to protect my heart, as well as my mind, body and soul.

The best thing I can do is keep my mind focused on God and keep my feet planted on the foundation of His Word.  I want God more than I want a relationship.  I want God more than anything else.  And so, to stay in God’s will for my life, I know that I need to guard my purity.  I need to guard my heart and my life.  This life is not mine, I owe it all to God and all He has sacrificed to set me free. This heart is not my own, it is God’s heart to give, if he should choose to give it to anyone at all.  Knowing that God is in control should give me more peace, but here I am, at the age of 40, and dating is no easier for me than it was at 20 or 30.  It’s nerve wracking and anxiety provoking, with glimpses of excitement.  It’s a roller coaster ride with all the ups and downs, unexpected drops, sometimes moving slow, sometimes moving too fast. 

Let me tell you, after 5 years of being single, it is nice to have the attention of a man.  It can be tempting to want to get on any ride.  They all look fun when you haven’t ridden in a while.  But here’s what I’m learning- once I’m on the ride, I can’t jump off.  I’ve got to wait for it to finish.  So I know I have to be selective about what rides I consider.  I know I have to be careful before I commit to the duration of the ride.  But I also know that if I get on a ride and don’t like it, I don’t have to go back.  And that’s what is different for me this time around.  I am in control and I am able to choose what is good for me and what is not.  At the age of 40, I am dating celibate like I should have done from the start, and it’s hard.  It’s tough.  But I’m also dating with a clear mind.  I’m dating with the power to walk away.  I’m dating with the ability to say no.  I’m dating with the knowledge that my peace of mind comes before all else. 

I’m dating, knowing that I don’t have to put my trust and faith in any man.  I need only to trust God, knowing that He will protect me from harm.  I need only put my faith in God, knowing that He will be with me every step of the way, and in His perfect timing, He will reveal the man He has chosen to be my husband.  The man that He has given sight to see my worth.  The man He has given the ability to love and cherish me, flaws and all.  In the meantime, though dating is not my favorite thing, I will be obedient to what God has called me to, so that I may walk into the blessings he has for me.

From “Not My Life” by Laura Story

This is not my life/ It is Yours, it is Yours/ This is not my heart/ It is Yours, it is Yours/ I surrender all I am/ Place my life into Your hands/ Jesus I am Yours/ I am Yours/