Have you ever had this experience in life where you think you’re done dealing with something, and then it rears its ugly head up out of nowhere and knocks you off what you thought were stable feet? That’s what anxiety is for me. I can be doing alright, feeling that I have my anxiety under control and then.. boom!.. and everything starts to crumble around me. I have trouble breathing, worry and fear run rampant in my mind, I start thinking negatively and imagining worst case scenarios, I feel paralyzed and simple, daily tasks take a lot of effort. The hardest part about it is that I can’t always pinpoint what the anxiety is about. It’d be easier to fight it if I could find the source of the anxiety.
But even when I can’t get to the root of the issue, I know I can at least manage the anxiety. When it starts to get difficult to breathe, I make myself slow down and take deep breaths. I always make sure to breathe out longer than I breathe in, because I know this stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system and instantly starts to calm me down. When the anxiety hits, I know to ground myself and become aware of my surroundings. I often tell myself that I am safe, and that nothing and no one can hurt me. And I always, always pray. I ask God to calm my heart and my mind. I ask Him to give me His peace. I spend time in prayer and worship because that is one time and place where the anxiety doesn’t overtake me.
Anxiety used to take me into a tailspin that could last for days and that made it difficult for me to function. I also went through a period of time where I battled anxiety daily. Now I can go longer periods of time without feeling anxious. So long that it feels like the anxiety is in the past, until inevitably it pops up out of the blue. New and unknown situations usually do the trick. I know that sometimes the anxiety comes as a message, maybe even a warning, but it also comes at times with no purpose at all. Sometimes I can explain it and sometimes I can’t. Sometimes I can rationally talk myself out of the anxiety, but my body doesn’t always cooperate. The physical symptoms are often out of my control, at least initially.
Anxiety is exhausting, frustrating and confusing. But I don’t let it get the best of me. I can pull myself out of the anxiety much quicker these days, sometimes within minutes of it starting. When it’s something more serious and lingers for a few days, I’m at least still able to function. Instead of letting anxious thoughts flood through my mind, I pray, spend time in worship and read God’s word. I replace negative thoughts with positive ones. I practice gratitude. Instead of remaining stuck in the anxiety, I make myself get up and move. I might get up and clean, go for a walk, visit with a friend or family member, go to the store, anything is better than sitting paralyzed in a state of anxiety.
Honestly, having anxiety sucks. Sometimes I feel ashamed because I know I shouldn’t be anxious, and I know God has a better way of life for me. But other times I feel defiantly proud of myself, because I live despite the anxiety. I push through the anxiety, until I make it to the other side. I show up, even if I have to fight myself to get there. I put myself out there, I open my heart, I try new things. I say yes to life, even if it means battling anxiety from time to time. I say yes and I’ll keep saying yes, until the days between the anxiety grow longer. Until the new and unknown are no longer so scary. Until my heart knows, and truly believes, that it is safe in my heavenly Father’s hands. I’ll keep saying yes until I know His peace deeply.
I pray that one day I’ll be done with anxiety for good. But in the meantime, I’ll keep saying yes to life, while taking my anxiety to the foot of the throne and surrendering my need for control. And yes, I believe that is where my freedom will come from, in the giving up control. Because I believe anxiety often comes from a place of not having control and trying desperately to regain some of it. And that is why I will keep surrendering my life, my heart, my everything to God. Again and again, and over and over until I get it right. Until I surrender control over my life completely- that means surrendering relationships, jobs, finances, comfort, material things, process, outcomes, the past, the present and the future.
Full, total, complete surrender is a scary thing, but if it brings peace, knowing I’m walking in God’s will for my life, I’ll take that over a lifetime of anxiety any day. I’ll take God’s plans over my own. But if God is going to move in my life, he’s going to need me to give up control and get out of His way. Giving God room to work in my life also gives me room to let go of the anxiety. The more I let God work, the more he proves himself true. The more I meditate on the goodness and faithfulness of God, the easier my breaths come, the calmer I feel. When I close my eyes and connect with my Heavenly Father, all anxiety dissipates and I am filled with His love and peace.
And so, as I go into this new year, I will seek more moments with God. Because when I am in God’s presence, I can stand firm knowing He is the one who keeps me stable and secure and gives me the strength to face any challenge that comes my way.
Philippians 4:6-7 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
I am overwhelmed by these powerful insights. They remind me of how the scriptures tell us to press on. Also of “safety in numbers’ 🙂 ‘No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man’ So many of us deal with anxiety which can seem overwhelming. It is comforting to know there are others we can reach out to that can understand.
Amen! Thank you for your kind words and for always checking in on me.. it means a lot!