It’s been quite some time since I’ve written a post because of, well… life. I’ve been trying to get acclimated to my new job as an Education Specialist. This new position requires me to juggle several things at once. I am teaching 2 reading intervention classes and 1 academic support class. I am pushing in to support in 2 periods of 10th grade English. And I am the case manager for 27 students with IEPs. I am learning to write IEPs, assess goals, and facilitate meetings. But the hardest part of my job is trying to figure out how to support some of my struggling students in a college prep high school, where they must pass their classes with a C or better for credit. And maybe deeper than that, it’s been hard for me to get on board with the big push for students to graduate with the grades necessary to attend a university after high school. For some of the students that I work with, they aren’t even all that motivated to graduate high school, let alone go to college. Of course I want all my students to finish high school and continue their education. But I know that will look different for each student. Some will go to a university. Others will attend a community college first, which was the path I took out of high school and it worked out fine for me. Some will go to a vocational or trade school. Others will start working in a family business that is already established, like landscaping. Some of the students I work with are already gang related and might choose an entirely different path in life. I pray that they don’t, but that is the reality for some.
I want every student I work with to do well and have options when they graduate. I’d love it if they were all eligible to attend a university. But if I can’t get through to all of them about college, I want them to walk away with their high school diploma at the least. And I also want them to know that they are more than their grades and test scores. There is a lot of focus on the academics at this school, but the joy of learning hasn’t been quite as apparent. I want my students to know that their social and emotional needs are just as important as their academic needs. I want them to know that, yes the high school years are important, but they are not the be all and end all of life. I want them to know that success looks different for everybody. For some, success is going to college and having an accomplished career. For some, success is having a lot of money and material things. For others, success is being surrounded by loved ones and developing those relationships. Success is not measured by the size of one’s house or the number of followers on social media. Success is measured by the contentment and peace in one’s heart. That might sound cheesy but I do believe it to be true.
No one can impose their definition of success onto another. We all have to find our own way and find our own motivation in life. We have to define our own version of success and then begin taking the steps to reach it. I don’t have it all figured out for myself. I don’t believe I’ve yet found the version of success that I want to have in my life. I’m still looking. I’m still praying and seeking. Maybe that’s why I am working where I am. To help these students see that it’s okay to still be figuring things out. To remind them that they are valuable, whole people, even when they aren’t meeting the definition of success placed upon them by the school they are attending. Maybe I’m there to learn from them as well. To be reminded that success comes in many forms and it is the bravest of souls who go after the version of success that looks different from the majority and different from what society accepts.
I want my students to do well in school but I also want them to have balanced lives. Ever since I became a teacher 7 years ago, balance is something I’ve struggled with in my own life. I got a taste of it last year when I worked as a substitute teacher. It was so amazing to have flexibility in my schedule and to get my life back. What a relief it was to not be overwhelmed with a never-ending list of things to do, which just comes with the territory of being a teacher. Now that I’m back to full time teaching, though in a different capacity, I feel that I’ve quickly lost the balance I found last year. We’ve been in school for a solid 6 weeks now and it’s been a struggle for me. I feel the stress of the job already and I seem to have lost sight of all my self-care practices. I haven’t been exercising as much and definitely haven’t been eating very well. I feel like the weekends go too quickly, and I don’t quite get the rest and relaxation I need before Monday rolls around again. It’s just one day merging with another, and I feel tired and lacking inspiration already.
But I know myself and I know I won’t give up. I’ll continue to face this challenge and pray that each day it gets better. And I’ve already decided that it’s time to steer this run-away train of stress back onto the track of self-care. It’s time to tip the scale of work- life balance back into my favor. I’ve been getting back on track with exercise and preparing healthy meals. I’ve been saying yes to more social activities, like playing volleyball on Wednesdays, even though I normally refrain from doing things like this during the week. I need to get back to church every Sunday, and spend more time with family and friends. I need to keep working on myself and my healing. I need to create space in my life for dating, so that I can one day have a family of my own.
Right now, I am doing fine with my job. I have a lot of responsibilities there that I am juggling, but so far I’ve been doing it all successfully. I have this thing in me that wants to do whatever I am doing well. I hold myself to a high standard. But you see, the problem is that that’s not my definition of success in life. Even though I can find myself seeking out accomplishments and acknowledgements, that’s not truly where it’s at for me. That’s just the insecure part of me looking for validation in a way I know I’m sure to get it. In reality, I find success when I am being true to myself and my values; when I am honoring my limits and keeping healthy boundaries. I feel successful when I am living in a way that honors the gifts and traits God gave me.
And if I’m being honest, I don’t know if I’m living that way right now. I don’t know if I’ve found my true definition of success yet. I know that I am a good teacher but sometimes I wonder if there is more or something that I’m missing. Like my students who are trying to get through high school, to the next step in their journey, I am trying to learn what I can so I can be prepared for what comes next as well. I am not sure that I have reached success on my terms yet. But I know that I am where I am for a reason. I know that there is something for me to learn or do. There is something God wants me to understand about who He is in my life during this time. There is some work He is going to do inside of me, some growth that will take place. He will get me and my students across the finish line, though we are all in our own race and will finish in our own time. He is faithful to get us all where we need to go. To walk alongside us and pick us up when we falter and fall. He is faithful to weave it all, the good and the bad, into a masterpiece. Even when I don’t understand what’s happening, I trust Him and have faith that He will work it all out for good. That’s how I get through this life. Even when life takes over, when I’ve drifted off course, I come back to Him and let him reset my vision of success. Because when I align my vision with His will, I find the balance, peace and joy I so desperately need.