Well, tomorrow is my birthday and I will officially turn 40. I have no problem with growing older; I’ve always embraced and accepted it. But what’s hard for me sometimes, is thinking about all the time I’ve wasted in life. I mean, all the years I spent drinking, partying, clubbing, etc., added absolutely zero value to my life. These were just ways to pass the time and drift through life. I don’t really beat myself up for these behaviors, because I now know that they served a purpose at a time when I wasn’t ready to face my pain. But every once in a while, I do feel a little twinge of regret for the time that has gone. The time that I tell myself I could’ve or should’ve been more productive, more focused, more driven.
Although it wasn’t like I had nothing going on. I did go to junior college, then transferred to get my B.A. degree and eventually went back to get my teaching credential. But I didn’t start my teaching career until I was about 33, which feels kinda late in the game. Sometimes I can’t help but think that if I’d gotten myself together sooner, I’d already have 10 or even 15 years of teaching experience instead of 6. Maybe I’d have gotten married by now and started having kids before my ovaries decided to shut down. Can you sense that I could go on and on with the what ifs, the maybes, the shoulda, woulda, couldas? We all can. I’m sure we all have regrets, some minor and some major ones. For me, I have whole years of regret. And I can say that even while accepting that it probably did all happen for a certain purpose. That everything that came before has brought me to this point, which in turn will lead me to what’s to come.
Like I said, I don’t beat myself up about the past, but if I’m honest I do have some regrets. I do wish I had known some things sooner and that I had done some things differently. I do wish that I had taken more chances and more risks. There are, quite frankly, some people that I wish I had never gotten involved with. But at the same time, I can absolutely say that I’ve learned from my mistakes. I wouldn’t take it all back, because some of it definitely did make me stronger, wiser, and better. Some situations from my past actually equipped me to deal with similar situations in the future. Without the prior experience, I wouldn’t have known how to stand up for myself or how to draw appropriate boundaries or how to walk away in the new situation. But honestly, there are some decisions I could’ve done without, and some decisions I wish I had made.
It seems hard to live this life without a handful of regrets. Even if it’s just wanting to have done more. But our time here on this Earth is finite and we can’t experience all that this life has to offer. What we can do is use the time we do have to create a life that is more meaningful and purposeful. What I want to propose is that no matter what age you are, you spend more time planning for and embracing what’s to come, and less time looking back and regretting what’s already done. That’s how I want to approach my 40’s. Yes, I did waste a lot of time in my 20’s. But I can’t get those years back. All I can do is think about what’s important to me now and make sure that my actions align with my priorities. I can be the focused, productive, driven person that I wish I could’ve been when I was younger. I can work to have an impact on my students and an influence in education that is not dominated by time but by passion. I can take all that I have learned from my past relationships to help me find an amazing husband. Someone who will be my partner and add value to my life. Someone who will be worth the wait. I can look beyond the limitations of my body and look forward to a day when I will be able to choose my son and/or daughter through adoption. There is still a lot of time left and all is not lost.
Yes, all that I have been through in life has made me who I am today. But I believe a large part of that has been due to God’s hand in my life, taking my mistakes and regrets and masterfully weaving them into something good. I do have some blemishes on my record. Honestly, if I could, I’d want to wipe some of them away. But God’s ways are higher and he sees the bigger picture. My story isn’t over yet. He knows why I’ve gone through everything I’ve gone through. And He loves me despite it all. He died for my sins knowing every mistake I would make. And He knows how it’s all going to end. So, I’ve learned that no matter how much the past hurts, or even if I feel those twinges of regret, I have to keep looking forward. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and embrace what’s to come.
All the time I’ve spent mulling over the past and playing the what if game serves me no purpose. It takes away from the time and energy I could be putting into my present in order to create a better future. Of course, we want to acknowledge the past and learn the lesson, but we don’t want to get stuck there. When life starts to seem like it’s on the same loop, year after year, that’s usually because we are stuck in the past in some way. It’s okay to let go of whatever and whoever is no longer serving your best interests. It’s okay to look to the future and embrace something new. If you’re like me, you have some catching up to do. And that’s not about me putting pressure on myself. That’s about me knowing that where I go next is entirely up to me. I don’t have time to waste. I’m not interested in drifting. I’m interested in being intentional about my relationships, actions and decisions. I’m interested in being intentional about where I’m investing my time and energy. If I can’t go back, then I have no choice but to take all that I’ve learned and experienced and move forward. If I can embrace what’s to come, I can sow into a future that I will be glad to inhabit. And 20 years from now when I look back, I will have fewer regrets. I will not feel that the time was wasted. Because the next 20 years are fully mine. I am walking into them clear-headed and focused. I am reserving my time and energy only for what adds meaning and purpose to my life. You see, growing older doesn’t bother me, but the thought of being the same in 50 years does. So I look forward to turning 40. I’ve come as close as I can to making peace with my past. I look forward to all that is yet to come. No, my story is not over yet. But the pages that I need to focus on are not the ones that have already been written. It’s time for some new material. Stay tuned.