Hope and Faith. Faith and Hope. You’re gonna need these two things to get through this life in one piece; to make it through your struggles and face the challenges that come your way. You’ll need them if you expect to keep getting back up, after life inevitably knocks you down. Hope is believing that things can get better. Faith is believing that things will get better. I have hope that my life can be good, that it can be joyful and fulfilling. This hope allows me to strive for more, to self-reflect and improve myself. This hope also helps me to hold onto my goals when I’m going through difficult, dark, trying times. Once hope is given up, people tend to become apathetic, depressed, and/or complacent. I have been there.
When I first found out I couldn’t have kids and stopped drinking, I fell into a depression that was a mixture of grief and residual sadness that I had spent years covering up with alcohol. There was a period of time when I just saw darkness all around me, there was no hint of a light at the end of the tunnel. I started to become really negative and withdrawn. I never felt like I wanted to end my life, but I did feel sometimes that if the darkness was going to be my new reality, it wasn’t a life I wanted to live. That’s why it was so important for me to seek out help. I didn’t want to give up completely. I had to dig down deep to find some hope, some encouragement, to keep going and believing that things could eventually get better. My therapist and I even discussed medication, but I was determined to exhaust every other option before turning to a prescription. I am absolutely for using medication when necessary, but I was able to apply some behavioral modifications that worked for me. The two biggest factors for me that helped improve my mood were exercise and eating healthier foods. This helped me to feel physically better and then I was able to tackle some of my issues around emotions and thoughts.
But in order for me to make the decision to see a therapist and commit to putting in the work to get better, I had to find a small sliver of hope inside of me. I had to believe that one day I would see a light at the end of the tunnel. And that someday after that, I would make it completely out of the tunnel. I had to believe that the situation I was in would not last forever and I made a decision to wait it out, no matter how long it took. And while I was waiting, I wasn’t going to go back to old habits. I wasn’t going to go back to drinking, or avoiding my emotions or neglecting my needs to take care of others. For about 2 years, I just kept working on myself, little by little, through the depression. And eventually I did see a light. I started having more good days than bad ones. I started to laugh again and to think more positively. I started to enjoy life again. I don’t know that I’m completely out of the tunnel just yet, but I know that I’m close. And I know that I’m at least going in the right direction, toward the light and away from the darkness.
Hope. It kept me hanging on through some tough times. It gave me the resolve to wait out some painful moments so that I could grow stronger. It helped me to build up my faith in God. In some of my dark moments, God was the only one I could turn to. When I was wrestling with emotional pain, it was God I cried out to for help. At times when I withdrew and isolated myself, I could still feel God’s presence with me. When I was sad or lonely, it was God I felt comforting me and embracing me in His love. He didn’t take all of the pain away, but He walked alongside me through it. He met me in every need and showed me that I could depend and lean on Him. And so, my faith grew. When I decided to take a year off from full time teaching and substitute teach, God provided. Even though my income was cut drastically, God provided me with people, opportunities and resources that enabled me to make it through the year. Sometimes I didn’t know how I was going to make it, but God continued to bless me and take care of me. And then my faith grew further. I started worrying less and started believing that even if I didn’t know how things would work out, they would work out in the end.
I have faith that God will work all things out for my good. But this is not a passive faith. Faith is a little bit of a contradiction because it’s about being patient and active. Faith requires us to be patient while God is working and we’re waiting for something we desire. But faith also requires us to be active, taking steps and actions to reach what we are hoping for. After all, faith without works is dead. We absolutely should put our trust in God, but we have to do our part as well. We can’t believe God is going to provide us with a job, if we don’t take the action of updating our resumes, actively looking for jobs and applying for them. We can’t believe God is going to provide a spouse, if we don’t take some action to meet new people and put ourselves out there. When we take some action, we show God that we do have faith in Him. We know that our effort will not be in vain and that God will provide what we are working towards. It doesn’t take much faith on our part to say God will provide a job, and then to sit at home on the couch waiting for that job to fall in our lap. That’s just wishful thinking. Our faith is activated when we start taking steps and when we do, God never fails to come through.
I am currently having my faith tested as I’ve been applying for teaching jobs for the fall. I started applying for some very specific positions in May. After taking the time to sub in various districts and grade levels, I initially decided that I wanted to teach 3rd grade in Santa Clara Unified School District. I started looking on EDJoin and sure enough, I saw a posting for that exact job at a school down the street from my apartment. I was sure that this was the job for me, but I didn’t even get a call for an interview. I’ve applied in a few other districts but still no calls. Eventually, I decided that I needed to cast my net a little wider. After all, who am I to limit my God? He knows what is best for me and maybe it’s not what I think it is with my limited vision. So, I started applying for other jobs that I don’t even know if I’m qualified for. I started applying for instructional coaching positions and looking for education related jobs on other sites besides EDJoin. Last week, I got my first phone call in response to my resume. It’s not even for the actual job I applied for but something completely different that wasn’t even on my radar. I am in the process of seeing how this plays out and if it is a good fit for me. All I know is that I have to keep taking steps of faith, and trust that God will close the doors that are not for me and open the ones that are.
I don’t know how this job search is going to end. I don’t know where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing this fall. But I do know that where I am today started with me having some hope for something better. I loved my first teaching job in East Palo Alto but after 5 years I was burnt out. And although I enjoyed working at my school site, there was a lot of dysfunction in the district that was hard to work with. I had to take some time for myself and reassess. I had hope that I could eventually find something that would be a better fit for me. I had hope that I could find the joy of teaching again. So I took a break and here I am, ready to transfer that hope into faith. I have no doubt that if I take the steps I need to take, God will provide me with a job that is right for me, in an environment where I can thrive. I don’t hope that it will happen. I know that it will. That’s faith. Believing that God will provide before he does. Believing that no matter what the circumstances look like, God will prosper me in the end. And believing that the job might not look like what I thought it would, but that it will be so much more than what I could have imagined. Hope and Faith. Faith and Hope. Don’t underestimate the power of these two things in life. Believe that God can and believe that God will. Be patient but stay active. Then watch how God moves in your life.
Good for you for being ambitious enough to apply for non teaching jobs ! Praying something works out