These last two points I am going to cover today really had a huge impact on me and helped me to make lasting changes in my life. Let’s jump right in!
4) Doing the opposite of what I would normally do
This really helped me to change my patterns in my relationships with men. I really have not dated or been in a relationship with many healthy men. I was the girl that a guy would go for if he was down and out and looking for someone to take care of him. I did most of the emotional work in my relationships. And sadly, those were the better relationships that I was in. The worst relationship I was in was very abusive and unhealthy. The relationship before that was with someone that I was with on and off for five years. I had a hard time letting people go and I would give second chances, third chances, fourth chances and so on.
My dating life was no better. I’ve been stood up by guys and still given them another chance. If I was talking to or dating someone for a little bit, and then he disappeared for 2 weeks, I’d be right there waiting when he’d pop back up again. I’ve dealt with so many guys who wouldn’t return my texts and phone calls, then I’d hear from them out of the blue (I’m pretty sure we all know what they were after, but I was pretty naïve back then). Even though they were inconsistent, I’d still keep dealing with them when I should have just stopped contacting them altogether. There’s this quote that says: “We teach people how to treat us.” This is so true. And I taught guys to treat me like crap. I tolerated disrespect and I reinforced bad behavior.
So when I was ready to change my patterns with men, I started asking myself, “What would Vanessa do in this situation?” And then I would do the complete opposite. If the old Vanessa would call a guy back that she hadn’t heard from in weeks or months, the new Vanessa was not going to call him back. Not now and not ever. He’s gotta go. If the old Vanessa would go on a date with a guy and drive because he doesn’t have a car, the new Vanessa would absolutely not be caught dead in this situation (and I’m not knocking dudes that don’t have cars. I just don’t want to date you, because I’ve been there and done that). The old me would text a guy back at any hour. Not anymore. I do not respond to messages or calls from men after 10 p.m. I am not interested in talking to a guy who is reaching out to me late at night when he is feeling lonely or trying to see if he can get me to be his warm body for the night.
These are just some examples of how I’ve started doing the opposite of things that were definitely not working for me in the past. While I’m still waiting patiently for a healthy relationship, I am happy to say I am no longer wasting my time with men who play games and are not going to treat me well. I am honestly very content being single and waiting for the right relationship. It’s so much better than being in a bad relationship and dealing with unnecessary drama.
I focused a lot on relationships here, but I do use this – doing the opposite of what I would normally do- in other situations. I’ve used it with friends, at work and even with lifestyle changes. For example, with friends I’ve had a tendency to defer to their wants, needs, and preferences in order to be liked and accepted. Now, I speak up more and speak my mind even if what I want, need or prefer is different from the person or group that I’m with. With work, I stopped taking on too much responsibility. I stopped being the first person to offer my help or my time. I would just wait a beat, and that would be long enough for someone else to volunteer for whatever committee or project or task that needed to be completed. This would prevent me from overcommitting myself and stretching myself too thin. I also started doing the opposite with lifestyle habits. If my tendency was to come home and immediately sit on the couch to watch TV, I started coming home and immediately putting on my workout clothes to go for a walk instead. I used to feel too tired to cook, and would just go for fast food. But now I keep healthy food around that’s quick and easy to make and I rarely eat fast food anymore.
The reason this opposite thing works for me is because I’ve had a long history of dysfunctional behavior and my default responses and actions are usually not the most healthy ones. So when I think of what I would usually do, I’m thinking of that default response, and when I take a moment to think of the opposite choice, it is 99% of the time a healthier and better choice for me.
5) Learning to spend time alone
I got a crash course in this when I moved into an apartment on my own. Honestly, the first couple of weeks living alone were really weird. It was strangely quiet all the time and definitely lonely at times. But now, 3 years later, I absolutely love it. I love having my own space, the freedom to do what I want, and I absolutely enjoy the quiet time. My apartment is my safe haven, a place where I can breathe easy and be at peace. I have zero problems being alone now. I actually enjoy my own company and I rarely feel lonely. This is partly because I am an introvert, so I do need alone time in order to recharge. But it’s also because I just got used to being on my own. The only way to get used to something is to do it.
If you’re constantly surrounded by people, then spending time alone can seem scary. And it is a little scary at first, just like any new thing can be. But there are so many benefits from having alone time, that I really recommend exercising this muscle if you haven’t much in the past. Now, I’m not saying that you have to go out and live by yourself like me. I know that it can be financially difficult for many people to live on their own, especially here in the Bay Area. But there are definitely ways to carve out alone time. You could try going to a movie alone or take yourself out for a nice dinner. You could drive out to the beach and spend the day enjoying the beautiful scenery. I’m guessing and hoping that most people can spend a few hours alone (if not, that’s a good place to start). But eventually, I would recommend finding longer stretches of time to spend alone. You could rent a hotel room and just get away by yourself for the weekend. You could take yourself on a road trip and explore someplace new. Find a cabin to rent and spend a week in the woods, reconnecting with nature. Find a cheap flight and do some traveling on your own. The possibilities are endless. Do what feels right for you but make the time to be alone.
Solitude is not a bad thing and can actually reap many benefits. Being alone can help you to strengthen your inner self. It will help you build up your self-confidence and your self-worth. It will help you to figure out who you are, and what you like and dislike. These were all things that I needed because I was a people pleaser, so I was always looking outward for approval. I needed to start looking inward and find validation within myself. I used to be like a chameleon, blending into my surroundings, deferring to those around me, so that I lost sight of my own self. For me, living alone helped me to detach from others and be my own person again. It was my Julia Roberts moment in Runaway Bride when she has to figure out who she is, right down to how she likes her eggs cooked. I had to relearn what Vanessa likes and wants without being swayed by other people’s opinions.
Living alone means that I have to make every decision that there is to make. I have to decide what to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I get to decide what I want to watch on TV without worrying if someone else is going to like it. I can choose how to decorate and what pictures to hang on the walls. I get to figure out my style and my preferences and what makes me happy. This helped to build up my self-confidence because I was able to make sound decisions without any else’s input. When I saw that I could rely on myself to figure things out, it reinforced me to continue doing just that. I learned to ask myself what I think more often and ask others what they think less often. Being able to make decisions on my own then transferred to being able to have an opinion and be more vocal in group settings. I no longer have to blend in with the crowd. I can be my own person because I know who I am and I accept myself, even if it means being different from the rest.
Spending time alone has also increased my self-worth. I didn’t always have the highest standards for the people in my life. Because I wasn’t used to being alone, I thought any company was better than no company. I know better now. Since I’ve learned to enjoy my own company, I can easily opt out of spending time with someone who doesn’t respect my boundaries, is overly negative or full of drama. I don’t put up with bad behavior like I used to in the past. I’ve learned that my peace of mind is too valuable to let just anyone in and that my time is too precious to spend with people who don’t see my worth or who drain my energy. This inner resolve was only built up in moments of solitude and as a result, my self-worth and standards have increased, and I also have a much better quality of life.
Over the past several weeks I have detailed some ways that I was able to overcome negative patterns in my life. Honestly, it didn’t happen all at once. Change is often best achieved by focusing on one thing at a time. So choose one thing that you need to work on and focus on that for a while. If you’re working on saying “no,” keep doing that until it feels comfortable and then focus on the next change you want to make. Change is possible. Negative patterns can be broken. I hardly recognize the person I used to be. Part of that is due to giving my life to God and being made a new creation in Christ. But a part of that is also the work that I had to put in to override my unhealthy default settings and create healthier habits. I had to choose better for myself and I know you can also if you are willing to put in the work. Don’t believe the lie that you were made a certain way or that you’ll never be able to change. It’s just a matter of how bad you want it, or if you want it at all. You can seek the changes you need to make now, or you can wait until life forces you to face them.
Wrapping up this topic on overcoming negative patterns I will leave you with this quote: “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” Yes, change is painful but you will learn and grow from it. Staying the same is painful in other ways and there’s nothing to gain from it. I pray you have the courage to face the difficult things in your life and the strength to overcome them. Give the process time to unfold, love yourself through it all and know that God is there to walk alongside you, if you’ll let Him.