Last week I left you with this thought: Self-care is always necessary and putting yourself first is never selfish. If you have a narrative in your head that says taking care of yourself is selfish, this is coming from people who benefit from your selflessness. It’s time for a new narrative. Obviously, being selfless is not a bad quality, but don’t give so much that you lose yourself in the process. Self-care means respecting your limits and giving your mind, body, and soul what they need to function appropriately. Sometimes self-care is going to bed early and sometimes it’s connecting with a friend over coffee. Sometimes it’s eating more fruits and vegetables and other times it’s allowing yourself to splurge and eat that chocolate cake. Self-care requires you to check in with yourself regularly to determine what you need in a particular moment or situation. If you are dreading going to that big party, self-care might mean staying home instead. If you know that eating a certain food makes you feel terrible, eliminate or limit your intake of that food. If you know that exercise improves your mood, take that 30-minute walk instead of spending time on social media.
Putting yourself first means that you are taking care of your own needs before taking care of others. It is so important to make sure that you are filling up your own tank before you go around filling up other people’s tanks. If you neglect yourself in favor of tending to others, you will eventually burn out. Put yourself first and take care of your needs so that you can be your best self for the people in your life. What follows are some ways I started taking care of myself that also helped me to overcome negative patterns in my life (I will cover 3 today and 2 tomorrow). But it all started with making self-care a priority and believing that I am just as important as anyone else and that my needs are just as valid.
1) Slowing down and minimizing distractions
Slowing down meant getting less busy and making sure that every minute of my schedule was not jam packed with something to do. It’s so important to know that you don’t have to say “yes” to every invitation or request you get. You don’t have to have every moment of your weekend planned out so that there’s no down time. If you feel like life is happening too fast and you can’t catch up, it’s up to you to slow the pace down. I’m sure there are some family and work obligations that you can’t entirely control. But a part of your schedule is in your control and some of the external pressure you feel is really coming from within yourself. You don’t have to attend every birthday party. You don’t have to be on every committee. You don’t have to go out just because it’s Friday night and that’s what people do.
Contrary to what our culture tells us, you don’t have to stay busy in order to matter. Your value doesn’t increase every time you add an event to your planner. It’s okay to have some blank boxes on your calendar. It’s okay to stop and take some time for yourself. Get over FOMO- it causes unnecessary stress. It’s okay to miss out on some things once in a while. You’ll live. You’ll survive. The only thing you should be afraid of missing out on, is time for yourself, when you can decompress and destress. You will survive FOMO but you might not survive stress. Stress is called the silent killer for a reason- you don’t know it’s become such a problem until it’s too late. Stress will make you physically, emotionally, and/or mentally sick. It’s okay to take a break sometimes- you are worth it.
Slowing down for me also meant slowing down internally, quieting the noise inside of myself, and taking the time to make more thoughtful, informed decisions rather than rash ones. This was a byproduct of slowing down my schedule and actually giving myself the time and space to process and reflect on things. It’s kind of like how people often say that they get their best ideas while in the shower, or taking a walk, or driving in the car. Because in those moments they are able to actually hear their own thoughts. Create more moments like that for yourself. Listen for the nudges of your heart and spirit that usually come in moments of quiet and stillness.
Minimizing distractions was not just about watching less TV or spending less time on social media. It was also about being less focused on other people’s lives and more focused on my own. It was about worrying more about my own problems and less about everyone else’s problems. It’s really easy to offer help to someone in need. If you do that frequently you might be doing it as a way to avoid taking care of your own needs. I’m not saying it’s wrong to help people, but just don’t neglect yourself in the process. It can be dangerous to think we can fix other people. If that’s your tendency, it may be that you are too focused on making other people better, and as a result you’re not bettering your own self and you’re not growing in your own life. Don’t be so distracted by what’s going on around you that you miss the important things going on inside of yourself. That would be like helping someone else repair their home while yours falls apart.
2) Learning to say “no” as a complete sentence
This is pretty self-explanatory. I don’t really have a lot to say about this other than wanting to make sure you understand that “No” is a complete sentence and does not need a reason or explanation in order to be valid. You do not have to explain why you don’t want to do something. You don’t have to make up an excuse. Just say “no” or “no thank you” and keep it moving. If someone does not respect your “no,” they have an issue with boundaries, and as mentioned before, it’s not your job to fix them. Hold firm to your own boundaries and hopefully the other person will learn a little something from you about healthy boundaries in the process.
If a person consistently disrespects your boundaries they probably don’t deserve to be in your life. Think about it this way. We don’t let people cross our physical boundaries of where we live. We have locks on our doors and fences around our yards so that people cannot just come and go as they please, taking whatever they want and trampling the yard as they go. Your emotional boundaries are just as important and your “no” acts as your lock and your fence, keeping people from taking of your time and energy when you don’t have it to give. It keeps people from taking advantage and manipulating you. When a break-in occurs we immediately call the police and report the crime. We wouldn’t let someone break into our house and then convince us that it’s their home and we’re the ones in the wrong. Don’t let someone do that to your heart either. When someone violates your boundaries, call them on it right away and do whatever you have to do to protect your emotional and mental health.
3) Paying more attention to people’s actions than their words
Some people are very good at talking the talk but not walking the walk. People will say things just to say them, with no intention of following through. I used to believe everything that people told me. You know when you run into someone that you haven’t seen in a while and they say something like, “let’s get together soon,” but it’s just something people say and they never actually reach out to plan something? It took me a long time to figure that out. I’d be waiting for the person to reach out or feeling like I should reach out to plan something, but nothing ever transpired. This is a simple example but you get the idea. I would always take people at their word even if their actions didn’t back it up. This was a result of me living in my fantasy world and being in denial most of the time. It kept me chasing after people who had no substance, no depth, no follow through and no integrity.
The worst of it for me was believing that people in my life cared about me when their actions were telling a completely different story. This happened mostly with men. I let them say they loved me and let myself believe it even while they were abusing me, manipulating me, cheating on me, ghosting me, gaslighting me and so on. Now, I’m constantly checking what a person says against their actions. If you say you want to spend time with me but you never try to make plans or constantly cancel the plans we make, your words will become meaningless to me. And I’m not saying that people can’t make mistakes or have flawed moments, I’m talking more about a pattern of behavior here. If someone says they hate chocolate, but every day you see them eating chocolate, the action is obviously speaking louder and sending a stronger message than the words. Words will simply float away unless they are tethered to actions. Make sure that when people are saying things to you, whether they are declaring feelings or making plans or promises, that their words are tethered to their actions and that the two match.
Give yourself permission to slow down. This will help you to know when to say “no” and help you pay attention to what people are doing more than what they are saying. If you’re always busy and moving too fast, you’re going to find yourself doing things you don’t want to do and caught up in situations you don’t want to be caught up in. Slow down. There is no prize for the rat race because there are no winners. The winners in life are the ones living their lives on their own terms, doing what makes them happy. Your internal peace matters the most. Find it, cultivate it, and protect it at all costs.