On Life-Overcoming Negative Patterns (Part 2)

Last week I referenced some steps that helped me to start overcoming negative patterns in my life.  Some things that helped me to stop dysfunctional cycles that I had been stuck in for too long.  Today I will focus on two of those things.  The first one is that I stopped drinking alcohol and I got sober.  This was an absolute must for me, because I needed to stop living in a fantasy world and get in touch with reality.  I needed to see what was really going on around me, not just what I wanted to be happening.  I needed to be able to see people for who they really were, not just who I hoped they could be.  For me, getting sober helped me to take off the rose-colored glasses that kept me living in a state of denial.  I finally saw the true colors around me, and only then could I start to face and deal with reality. 

Initially, I stopped drinking because I was in such a bad place emotionally.  Finding out I couldn’t have kids put me in a state of depression and grief that I knew alcohol would only make worse.  But eventually I had to accept the fact that I needed to do more than take a “break” from drinking and make a commitment to a lifetime of sobriety.  I am coming up on almost 3 years sober and it is one of the best decisions of my life.  It is also a very personal decision, and I am not here to tell you that you need to make the same one.  But what I would say is that it never hurts to take a break from alcohol for the sake of being clear headed and being able to make sound decisions.  If you find that you are wanting to make some changes in your life, you might want to give up alcohol for the time being.  I should also clarify that when I say “alcohol” you could replace that with any vice.  Everyone has something that can distract them from being their best self or that they can become addicted to, whether it’s alcohol, drugs, food, social media, shopping, watching too much TV, etc.  Even good things like exercise and work can be done in excess so that they become unhealthy habits.  It may be that you need to keep the TV turned off for a period of time, or get rid of that credit card you keep using for retail therapy, in order to have some time for self-reflection.  You have to actively create the space in your life where you are able to make better choices.  That’s not likely to happen while on autopilot, which is the setting that our vices keep us on.  Taking a break from a certain vice will at least stop the momentum of how you’re life is going, and give you a chance to chart a different course. 

Now, if you find this difficult to do alone don’t feel bad.  We all need a little help from time to time.  Personally, I needed a lot of help to get my life back in working order.  If you’re dealing with an addiction, find a support group where people can relate to what you’re going through.  Attending AA meetings was huge for me in the first 6 months of sobriety.  Knowing that I wasn’t the only one struggling with alcohol was encouraging and I was able to open up in a safe place.  Also, hearing how others overcame their issues with alcohol gave me the confidence to do the same.  A support group is a place where people will help shoulder your burdens and walk through the challenges with you.  Don’t be like the old me, who thought I had to do it all alone.  Who was fighting battles internally, but externally was trying to act like I had it all together.  Because eventually I buckled under the weight of the burdens I had buried inside of myself.  I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t learned to ask for and accept help.  If you don’t like the sound of a group, then at least find one person, just one person, that you can share your struggles and your burdens with.  Let someone in- a friend, a therapist, a pastor, a significant other.  Find someone you can be vulnerable with.  You don’t have to do it alone.   

Give yourself time for healing to take place.  The thing about addiction is that it just represents the tip of an iceberg.  There’s usually a whole lot of pain and problems under the surface that the addiction is trying to mask or cover up.  Unearthing these issues is a process and requires a great deal of patience.  It’s not going to be easy.  In fact, it will be hard and it will be messy.  But you will come out the other side so much stronger and wiser.  You will feel liberated – set free from something that has had a hold on you for too long.  You will become more secure in yourself.  You will find that you have a depth, a resolve, a perseverance that you never knew you had while you were in your addiction.  Like I said before, choosing sobriety has been one of the best decisions of my life.  But again, it is a personal decision that only you can make for yourself.  And only you can know what you need to get “sober” from.  Only you know what has become a distraction, a problem, or a bad habit in your life.  And some vices are tougher to manage because you can’t get rid of them completely.  Food addiction is obviously a hard one to overcome because you can’t abstain from food entirely like you can with something like alcohol.  But you can deal with the underlying issues that started the addiction and begin to have healthier habits around food.  Every addiction has a root that needs to be dealt with, or it will just keep coming back like a weed in a garden.  I can tell you from experience, if you have an addiction of any kind, it’s the number one thing you will have to face before the rest of your life can improve.

Please don’t hesitate to get the help you need.  I eventually sought out a therapist to help me work through my underlying addiction issues, as well as my depression, anxiety and grief.  After getting sober, this was the next best decision I ever made.  My therapist was amazing and the number one thing she did that helped me was to just model what a positive and healthy mindset looks like.  She showed me how to have a perspective on difficult situations that wasn’t negative, didn’t think the worst, or have a victim mentality.  She helped me to bring my mind back into balance.  As I mentioned in the last post, before my sobriety I was caught up in a fantasy land, optimistic to a fault.  I looked on the bright side of things, but it was a false brightness.  Once I got sober and started dealing with some of my issues, I went to the opposite extreme.  I started thinking very negatively and this is when I started to struggle a lot with anxiety.  But the thing is, I didn’t want to go back to a place where I was in denial or not facing the truth, so I probably got a little too real at first and let my emotions go unchecked.  I needed to be able to first acknowledge reality and accept whatever I felt in the moment.  Then I could work to get to a place where I could still be positive rather than negative, compassionate rather than bitter.  I couldn’t just fast forward to the positive stuff like I used to do, and I couldn’t just wallow in the negative like I had started doing.  My therapist helped me get to a better place, where I could see reality, process my feelings and still keep a healthy, positive perspective through it all. 

Another thing that was huge for me in therapy was getting my expectations in check.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned over and over again in life, it’s that expectations will drown you in disappointments.  You know about those pesky expectations don’t you?  The expectation for how that first date is going to go.  The expectation for that job interview.  The expectation for your friendships, significant others, co-workers, bosses, kids and so on.  Your expectation for how people will treat you and who will be there for you when you need them.  We often have a lot of expectations, but very little ability to deal with them when they are not met.  Which is most of the time.  Even when we make our expectations known, no one is going to meet them 100% of the time.  Because no one’s perfect.  And neither are we, so it all works out in the end.  We’ve been disappointed but we’ve also disappointed others.  Another lesson I’ve learned is to not expect others to treat me the same way that I treat them.  To not expect others to do something for me, just because I would do it for them.  For example, just because I might be willing to give someone a ride at 3 a.m. doesn’t mean I should expect other people to be willing to do the same for me (which is not actually true and if you call me at 3 a.m. the chance that I will answer is approximately 0%).  But you get the idea.  Don’t expect others to do what you would do in a situation, because they’re not you!  Get your expectations in check.  I created a lot of misery for myself by having unrealistic expectations.  My therapist helped me to see this and coached me through having more realistic expectations and as a result, better boundaries as well.

My therapist also reflected back to me a version of myself that I had long ago lost sight of.  A version of myself that was capable, smart, strong and worthy of love.  She helped me to believe in myself again, to believe in my inherent value.  Even if that was all she did, it would have been well worth my time.  But she did so much more and helped me in so many ways.  I only saw her for one year but I feel like my growth was exponential during that time.  I would have continued for longer but I lost my health insurance when I started substitute teaching.  I also would have started seeing a therapist much sooner if I had known that I could do it through my health insurance.  The cost of therapy always deterred me, but I am grateful that I was able to get a referral through Kaiser to a third party who covered all of the expenses, aside from my copay.  Even when I first sought out counseling at Kaiser, I was told that they only do group therapy.  I finally made an appointment with a psychologist and she agreed that I needed one-on-one counseling and she made the referral for me.  This was definitely an answer to prayer and I am so grateful to God for opening this door for me to get the help I needed.  There are so many ways to get affordable, but also quality therapy.  Don’t let the cost stop you.  Don’t let the stigma stop you either.  I would advocate for everyone to see a therapist at some point in life.  They are a great resource, can provide an objective viewpoint, and offer tools and strategies for better living.

I got sober and I saw a therapist.  Life-changing.  If you are looking to do the same, I can walk you through it.  Don’t hesitate to reach out with questions or for support and encouragement along the way.  Next week I will finish on this topic of overcoming negative patterns.  I still have six points to go over, but they are all related and overlap in many ways.  A lot of them branch off from one-“making self-care a priority.”  I have a lot more to say next week, but before we get into the next part, I want you to think on this:  Self-care is always necessary and putting yourself first is never selfish.