I have to admit, sometimes I find love to be a very elusive thing. Not just romantic love, but love in general. At times, I feel a strong current of love in my life, from both friends and family. Other times, I feel disconnected and like the love around me is hard to reach, even harder to grasp. I don’t fault other people for this. I think it comes down to my perceptions, my walls, my wounds, my attempts to protect myself. I’ve lived with a deep-seated fear of rejection. So when I sense it coming, when I feel a slight distance, a slight pulling away by another, I shut down, retreat into my shell, run for safety. I’ve become more aware of this pattern over the years and am working to change it. But it’s there, and maybe always will be to some degree. The work before me is to continue to be self-aware, pay attention to the sensations I feel, and learn to regulate my nervous system so that I can feel safe in my own body. I know that until this happens, the world and the people in it, will never feel truly safe and love will often feel just out of reach.
It starts with me. And it ends with me. The work is mine, and only mine to do. But it won’t happen without love. The love has to start here, within me. The love for myself has to be consistent before I can not only love someone else, but also let someone else love me. I think that’s the point we miss. We’ve all heard the cliché- you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. But maybe we forget that the goal is not just to love someone else well, but also to let that person love us well too. That is where love becomes elusive for me. I think, under the right circumstances, I can love well. But I often get so caught up in “doing it right” and giving love, that I often forget to open myself up to receiving. I get caught up in this idea of perfection- if I do the right thing, say the right thing- then I will be loved. But that’s not love, and if it is, it’s a love that is hard to grasp. It’s a love that keeps you guessing.
I have a hard time with love that is there just for the sake of it. Can I be loved and accepted, just for me being me, not for the things I can do for others? Can I receive a love that is unconditional, a love that is not looking for something in return? I want to be able to. I want the ease of receiving love without being afraid that the person is going to leave. I want the ease of receiving love without the other person having to climb my walls or draw me out of my shell. I know it’s possible. I see it happening all the time, all around me, in friendships, partnerships, marriages, and all kinds of other relationships. And I do have it; I do have some very strong friendships filled with love that is given reciprocally. Love that is unconditional and dependable and easy and secure. But in my mind, at times, I can see even these friendships as being on shaky ground. Because that’s the filter that my brain has, the filter that I have to contend with. In these cases I don’t wear rose colored glasses, I wear rejection colored glasses. I promise you it has nothing to do with the other person. The other person will just be living their life, but with my rejection colored glasses on, I can concoct a whole story about how they are going to leave and then I go straight into survival mode to protect myself, and probably more accurately, the hurting little girl within me.
I have probably tried to sabotage almost every significant relationship in my life under the guise of “I’m going to leave you before you leave me.” I just thank God that he placed the friends that he did in my life who saw right through me and didn’t let me leave. I am truly blessed with some amazing friends. But I know that there is more work for me to do, with this whole giving and receiving love business. I know that I can be more open, less guarded. I know that it’s okay to let others in, it’s okay if they do leave, and it’s okay if I get hurt. Love comes with risks, and I think it feels elusive to me because I don’t always want to take the risk. I’ve gambled and lost so many times in the past. But I’m not a quitter. And I know I’ve gambled on the wrong people in the past, my damaged soul finding other damaged souls, and we were doomed to fail from the start.
The hope that I have, the thing that keeps me going, is knowing that I’m healing. That I’m fighting for myself, I’m fighting for the life I want and the love I want. The love that I can hold onto and not worry that it is going to disappear. That’s the love that I am working to give to myself. A consistent love that is warm, kind and empathetic, not one that berates me for making mistakes or blames me for not being lovable enough or that tells me I’m insignificant. Those seem to be the thoughts I have at times that masquerade themselves as love. But no, they are thoughts working to protect me from being hurt, only to end up hurting me themselves. The part of the healing journey that I am on is all about awareness, acceptance, and changing my thought patterns. It’s still a work in progress, but at the least, I can say that I am not as reactionary as I have been in the past.
I am learning to check my thoughts before acting on them. To question my feelings of rejection before pushing away or running away. I am learning to sit with me and all of my big emotions, to sift through my messy past and unhelpful patterns and deal with it all, rather than looking for a solution or an escape outside of me. I am also learning that I don’t have to chase love and I don’t have to seek approval. Just because love sometimes feels elusive to me, I don’t have to go on a wild goose chase looking for it. I am learning to be secure in myself and know that I will connect with the right people at the right time and new relationships will develop and grow that are just right for me. I am learning to be okay with rejection and that indeed feels like a huge win for me. I am learning to love myself through rejection and not reject myself in the process. I am learning to not abandon myself in the pursuit of love or connection or acceptance.
I think the more present I am with myself, the more in tune I am with what I am feeling, and the more that I honor my own wants, needs, and interests, the less elusive love will feel. I have to give myself the love that I have been looking for, so that I can be a better friend, a better person, a better partner and parent in the future and so that I know what the right kind of love looks like and I can be prepared to receive it. I have to learn to trust in love, to trust in my and others’ ability to give it. I’m not there, but I trust that I’ll get there. I share all of this because I know I’m not the only person who struggles with fear of rejection or fear of abandonment. These fears have been crippling for me in the past. They have caused me so much anxiety, panic and worry to the point of being debilitating.
About 6 months ago I went through a situation where my worst fear was realized and I was rejected by someone who left without any explanation. In the weeks leading up to this, I was overcome by the worst anxiety and panic I have ever experienced. Due to unique circumstances, I couldn’t push this person away or be the one to leave first. So for the first time in my life, I sat and endured the pain and agony of a rejection that I knew was coming and then the depressive aftermath once the person had left. But as difficult as this situation was, I can honestly say that once the pain moved through me, it broke me open, in a good way, and released me from my irrational fears of rejection and abandonment. I can’t say that I’ll never have another moment where I fear rejection or abandonment, but it feels different, like these fears have less of a hold on me.
Now I feel like I’m in limbo, letting go of yet another painful layer of my past, but not quite ready to step into the future that awaits me. I think I need a little more time with me, a little more space to heal, in order to understand what love really is, how to love myself well, and how to open up to the love that comes in relationships with others. A love that is complex- smooth and bumpy, weak and strong, easy and messy. A love that is a lot of things, but never elusive. A love that I can see clearly, with no walls, no filters, no fear. That feels like a tall order but I’m willing to work for it. I want those who feel rejected and abandoned to know there is hope. We don’t have to live bound to the past and we don’t have to love bound to the past either. Love doesn’t have to be this elusive thing. It’s okay to give yourself to love, and it’s okay to feel all the feelings that come with it. You’re going to be okay and I’m going to be okay. We’re strong, we’re fighters, we’ve made it this far. Let’s not stop, let’s not give up before we get to the good stuff. There’s a place for you and there’s a place for me in this world where we are loved, accepted and connected. I’ll be rooting you on until you get there and I hope you’ll be rooting me on too. Let’s give ourselves all the love we need for the journey.
From “This is Me” (The Greatest Showman Soundtrack)
I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
Cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one’ll love you as you are
But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown em out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Amazing…
‘I make no apologies, this is me’, and you are the best ❤