The past year has been a year like no other. We’ve all struggled, in some way, shape or form. There has been loss. For some of us, the loss has been physical- the loss of loved ones whether from COVID or other causes. For some, the loss has been emotional- the loss of connections and stability. We have all experienced some sort of loss. We are all grieving. Can we talk about it? Can we stop holding it all inside while trying to make sense of this new way of life? Can we, for a moment, not look for the silver lining? Can we pause collectively and cry? Can we feel all of the emotions? I’m asking, but I’m also telling. We need to grieve. We need to let these losses move through us. We need to feel the hurt and the pain, the sadness and the disappointment, the loneliness and the fear. We need to stop pushing for everything to reopen, pushing to return to a sense of normalcy. Now, I’m not saying that these are bad things. If it’s safe, then yes, we need to start reopening and allow people to get back to their routines. A sense of normalcy is certainly needed. But we need to stop pushing blindly for this return to “normal” when we haven’t paused to digest this past year of “abnormal.” Can we talk about how hard it’s been? Can we share our stories?
I’ll begin. Let me start by saying that right before COVID hit, I was in a pretty good place. I had just gone through a few year process of personal healing. I’ve shared this before but I had grieved for a personal loss when I was told I couldn’t have children. At the same time, I got sober from alcohol and dealt with some issues from my childhood. I started therapy and worked hard on myself and my personal growth. The November before COVID started, I decided to get out there and start dating. I felt ready for a relationship. In other areas of my life, I began a new job that I enjoyed and I was getting more involved in ministry. I had a great group of friends and a family that was growing with my niece and my nephew. Right before COVID, I was honestly pretty content. I felt ready to get out there and take more risks and broaden my horizons with new experiences and new people.
But then, here came COVID and put a wrench in my plans. Here came COVID and put us all on lockdown. And man, that was hard for me. I had just sat myself down for about 3-4 years to do some healing. I was just coming out of my cocoon when COVID came along and sat me right back down. Honestly, I was angry. I did not want to sit down. I wanted to go out there and do things! I had plans and goals and visions that I could not pursue. Instead, I had to park my butt at home. I had to learn how to teach from a computer. I had to learn how to live and work in the same space. I had to deal with the fear of getting COVID or spreading it to someone who might not survive. I had to learn to deal with my anxiety on a whole other level. Some days I was anxious. Some days I was depressed. It was hard to follow a schedule and I found myself getting so sleepy at random times of the day. It was exhausting teaching on Zoom. It was tiresome to be alone for such big chunks of time. As an introvert, you might think I’d love the alone time, but I craved in person connection like I never thought I would. I did start going to my mom’s a few times a week and eventually I would spend Sundays at my friend’s watching church and just hanging out together. But I missed the in-person experience of church. I missed the daily interactions with my students. I missed spontaneous adventures with friends. With COVID, the days all looked the same, and that was daunting to face.
This past year has been a battle with my mind. Anxiety can be tormenting and even more so when you are alone. Combatting negative thoughts, fears and worries feels like having another full-time job. No wonder I’ve been so tired. As I’ve been dating, or trying to date in this weird time, I’ve also had other fears surfacing. Fears of abandonment and fears of rejection. Let me tell you, being afraid that everyone is going to leave you or reject you is no way to live. I feel like I can manage those feelings better when other areas of my life are stable. But in the past year, there has been no stability, so those fears have been magnified. There’s nothing like the panic of feeling like you are going to be abandoned, even when that fear is unfounded. All of this that we are experiencing with COVID is traumatizing and so it has triggered old wounds and old traumas within me. Sitting alone in my apartment just reminds me of the times I sat alone as a child. There was so much loneliness and sadness and here I am so many years later, sitting with it again. There have been times when I haven’t wanted to keep going. There have been sleepless nights. There has been an inner battle within to hold on to hope, when all has looked so hopeless. Some days are better than others, but lately my anxiety has been so high that I can barely function. Honestly, I’m struggling.
Y’all it’s been a year. There’s been death and conflict and loss and so many things unknown. And yes, there have been blessings amongst the mess. I’m not denying that. But can we, for a moment, share our pain and our grief? I fear that if we do not, we will move forward carrying too many burdens. We will enter the next phase of our lives, whatever that looks like, with a well of pain inside of us. We will return to social niceties and all respond with an automatic, “I’m fine” when asked how we are, even if we’re crumbling inside. This year has been heavy. I can feel the weight of it. I don’t want to return to “normal” without acknowledging how difficult this year has been. I don’t want to assume that everyone is excited about returning to life. Maybe, for some people, their life has been shattered this year, and maybe, just maybe, they are not ready to pick up the pieces.
And so I say, let’s share our stories. Let’s normalize the pain that we are all feeling. Let’s grieve collectively so that we can heal collectively too. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that things can and will get better. I believe that we can heal from all that has transpired. But not if we hide our hearts. Not if we put on a brave face and move on before we are ready. Instead, let’s be vulnerable and honest. Our stories just might help another. Let’s feel our feelings and let’s not run when it gets uncomfortable. Let’s sit in it together. I see your pain and I feel it. You are not alone. This has been a year like no other. Let’s be compassionate and kind and patient with each other. Let’s remember that even though not everyone will show it, we’re all hurting or have been hurt. It’s been a difficult year. I pray we give a voice to that hurt and let people’s pain be seen. Let’s help carry each other’s burdens.
Galatians 5:14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
Galatians 6:2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Amen!